As hip-hop musicians are fond of saying, always “stay strapped.”
After all, self-defense is an inalienable right enshrined in our Constitution. As an American — as a human being who values his or her own life — you have a right and a duty to preserve your own existence.
With that, we’re glad that California, the most progressive state in America, recognizes the individual right to use deadly means to do exactly this.
And what could be more deadly than a plastic straw? The drinking device is responsible for the deaths of millions of sea creatures, or so we’re told.
Based on the numbers alone, straws have killed more animals (and very stupid humans) than any firearm we’re aware of — at least outside of warfare.
If plastic straws are too much for you to handle, we understand. Their power is, in the interest of fairness, the stuff of legend. But fear not — you can always opt for the progressive paper straws instead. Sure, they dissolve in your mouth and break with little to no effort, but it is the environmental option.
All jokes aside, let’s be honest — this is as scary as people from California get these days.